There’s a whole lotta advertisement out there, but none are better than the vintage ones. And we mean that in a most sarcastic way. These highly entertaining, yet profoundly uncomfortable ads depict an era of times past. An age that many wish to revisit, but forget the incredible amount of sexist, racist, and homophobic basically everything. But a look back can be very educational as well as mildly funny, though you might just be laughing at the awkwardness of it all. So, if you’re ready, let’s get on with the vintage gold.
Love’s Baby Soft
Though innocent in appearance, when you read the words you realize just how creepy this ad is. Although it’s an advertisement for body mist, anything that puts a child and the word sexy is a nono.
As adorable as the girl in this ad is, we can’t help but feel majorly uncomfortable. That being said, this ad might be one of the most appealing if it just said body mist. We can just feel the softness of that teddy bear, and wish we could smell it ourselves.
Keep Your Face On Longer
This one’s a bit more innocent, as it’s really just advertising a spray that helps your makeup stay. The thing about this one, however, is its choice use of words. It’s just a tad below body positivity standards.
While some might still say “I need to go put my face on”, it’s a bit problematic to imply that using makeup is someone’s face. It might be your choice to say something like that, but companies try to avoid implying you only look good in makeup.
She Was A “Perfect Wife”…
What defines a “perfect wife” these days? Is it her cooking skills, her beauty, or is it her willingness to submit to her man? Fortunately, that’s not the way we try to think about it these days. At least, most of us don’t.
Most might be able to give you an answer to that question, but the answers you’ll receive are on more of a “what do you look for in a partner” type of way. Objectifying women and saying “the perfect wife” is not okay. Rather, try to look for what makes them the perfect friend.
Suppose You Switch Jobs With Your Husband
We’d all be in a world of hurt, that’s for sure. Not a lot of people share the same skillset as their partners, but that’s beside the point. Can you guess what this ad is for? It’s for a telephone, but you wouldn’t know that until the last sentence.
What is up with vintage ads and writing essays anyways? The entirety of this advertisement has no point other than to downplay the importance of a women (and to tell her she needs a new toy to talk to a friend while doing kitchen work).
Men Are Better Than Women!
What simple times we used to live in. As if any man could one-handedly hold an adult woman by a string. This ad is all about putting women in their place like the last one. And the next one. And probably the next…
Oh, no, it’s actually about hiking sweaters. Almost missed that in the sea of text that is the 1960s. Not only are they fashionable, but they’re also not a “drag” like the wife is. And for only pennies, you can get one in brass (is it plated?), olive, white, or gray! And you don’t even need your wife to show it off. Cool beans!
Maternity…Corset?
Huh, this one is not about how a woman belongs in the kitchen and we’re actually shocked. It is, however about making yourself look skinny… while pregnant. Yes, as ironic as that sounds, this truly is a maternity corset.
Claiming to give you “better babies” by providing perfect abdominal support. And you won’t look like you’re with child, the only thing a woman was needed for back then. How perfect!
A Woman’s “Extra” Feelings
Have you ever been a person? You know, just…alive? Oh, and also a woman? Well, then we’ve got the perfect product for you! Getting excited and a bit hot and sweaty is no good, so get your secret deodorant today!
Coming in four different types for all your “extra feeling” needs, this product is guaranteed to whisk away that smell you get from, well… everyday activity! ‘Cause we all know women have extra feelings that men don’t. Get yours today!
You Mean WOMEN Can, Too??
Okay, can we all stop and appreciate the masterpiece that is this woman’s expression? Have you ever see anyone do that? Well if you saw these brand new Alcoa Aluminum HyTop aluminum caps, you’d be making that face, too Truly meme-worthy.
Honestly, though, bless these types of caps. Half of us here need help opening bottles, and we’re not all women. And those women among us that can open bottles without help can probably beat us in many strength competitions. Like, have you ever tried to open a can of sauce? Truly impossible.
This Soap Help You Keep Your Man
Look, hygiene is obviously important and no matter who it is, if you stop taking care of yourself you’ll probably drive your partner away. That being said, the man that decided it’s a woman’s job to keep her man by keeping clean was a fool.
It goes without saying, though, that things like this are what enabled men to be so selfish. And women would buy these products for that reason. And while we definitely recommend cleaning yourself often, don’t ever think a little stank will be a good enough reason to break it off.
Witness The Power
Um, what do we say about this one… It’s certainly… a change of pace from the others. We’re assuming this is from before hundreds of thousands of people were “split to smithereens” by the atomic bombs.
While this must have been a cool demonstration of science before the devastation imposed on Japan by the United States military and Harry S. Truman, there’s no doubt that this ad would be tasteless today. There’s also no doubt that atoms don’t “split to smithereens”, but that’s another argument altogether.
WIVES.
Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. If only that’s where this advert stopped. Unfortunately, while the main point was to help you get the right gift for your partner, this one took it a step too far.
In the first place, the gifts are just a collection of kitchen items further cementing the woman’s place in the kitchen. The more concerning bit is the part where it disregards the way a woman feels and reassures her that she’ll get what she wants if she just stops whining.
Make Me A Sandwich
While some girls might still be taught about how a boy is going to chase after them, it’s certainly not something they’re told by their favorite bread company. Especially not with “make me a sandwich” undertones.
We’ve heard Wonder Bread is good (if you like white bread), but we never knew its slogan used to be “Helps catch boys…!” If only it wasn’t so sexist, this might actually be the perfect way to a boy’s heart. Or a girl’s. Everyone likes food, so it’s truly just a shame they went in this direction.
The Swim Cap (And Magic Makeup)
Ah, yes, the importance of that perfectly quaffed up-do. Who can resist a woman who can get out of a pool just as attractive as she was when she went in. Do they also make wet caps for makeup? Because there’s no way that woman’s makeup stays as perfect as that.
You know what, forget how terrible it is that this ad is placing importance on the way you look after having your hair and makeup done, this ad would be banned just on the basis that no one should be wearing those silly pineapple/shrimp-with-scales looking thing on their head.
Successful Marriages Start In The Kitchen
Wow, Pyrex, we all believed in you. The magical pot that looks great as a serving tray and can also go in the oven is obviously not immune to the failures that was 1900s society. Successful marriages start on the internet, obviously!
It doesn’t come as a surprise that we would find something that places too much importance on a woman’s cooking (we’ve already seen a few and there’s more to come). That being said, we typically hope it’s from companies we don’t know and love.
What In The…?
We’re almost positive that this advertisement is an allusion to sex–darn Victorian Age riddles. The bigger question is, is it for or against intercourse? Usually calling something demonic possession is bad. Especially for religious folk.
Thing is, it says that the endorphins will make your body feeling fresh and relaxed, but then it goes on to say that they guarantee all manner of agony, as well as leaving your muscles tender and lax. Much confusion… And we’re going to ignore the inevitable innocent child making a comment about it.
Licorice Drops
What is even happening here? Why is this poor child about to be eaten by an alligator? Even the child is questioning the choices that led up to this exact moment. He clearly doesn’t want to be a “dainty morsel” and maybe the licorice doesn’t either.
Moreover, is imminent death supposed to make it more appealing? Is it a reference to the color of his skin? What does any of this have to do with Africa? We have way too many questions and no answers to be seen.
Danger: Women’s Suffrage
It should say that women’s suffering is a menace to society. Forcing women to suffer through their first amendment rights being denied and oppression, in general, did our society no favors.
Of course, there were plenty of people ready to make the argument that women having an opinion and the right to vote would ruin society. Women were considered weak, dumb, and not to be of any use outside the kitchen. Truth is, men were afraid they would lose all their power and control. Good thing they did somewhat; today’s world is a better place.
Tiger Lady
“Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her.” She was probably floored by the terrible ad she didn’t realize she was about to participate in. Some hero.
But, hey, at least those slacks look extra spiffy. Oh, wait, they look exactly like every other brand of pants that men could get back then. So now your misogynistic and a worker drone. Nice.
Freckles Are So 19th Century.
This is the first to come in the vain of skin perfection. This one, in particular, is referring to caucasian skin being better than ever. With the advent of skin whitening agents, freckled, blemished skin is out, and perfect skin is the new craze.
Nowadays, there are people who would kill to have freckles. It’s interesting to see how we’ve gone full-circle regarding the way we look. Unfortunately, though, that wasn’t the case back then, and bleaching creme would also be directed towards people of color to “correct” their skin.
Cellophane Ads
Good things are twice as good in cellophane, and to prove that, the Du Pont corporation wrapped a bunch of kids in it. Never mind the suffocation, this stuff is the out of this world!
Seriously, though, not everything is twice as good in cellophane. This is one of those “don’t try this at home” tricks. Otherwise, you might just find that things wrapped cellophane are twice as dead.
Loaded?
Using guns to promote safe sex is not the only thing wrong with this ad. Don’t get us wrong, it’s a huge issue, but that was at a time where guns weren’t used as often as they are now to commit massacres.
No, this ad is just all types of wrong. From portraying beautiful women (unsurprisingly, only white women) as loose to implying that those same women are “loaded” with diseases, we can imagine a thousand different ways to address the dangers of Vinarial Disease without being so obscene.
Makes You As Fat As A Pig
This one’s not exactly what you might be thinking. It’s actually using fatness as a way to emphasize how healthy you will be if you use their tonic. While wrong by today’s standards, being fat implied you were wealthy and healthy being able to feed yourself.
While many reported that it wasn’t exactly tasteless, many were using tonics (known as tonic water today) as a cure-all or preventive measure for things like malaria. If you look past the offensive nature of this ad, it’s actually quite funny to see a baby’s head stuck on a pig as a way to lure people in.
Doctors Smoke
Nine out of ten doctors agree that lung cancer is the best way to enjoy your five-minute break from work… is what this should say. Obviously, this was before the knowledge that cigrettes were bad, but still.
Also, can we talk about that T-zone for a minute? Why didn’t they include “terrible breath” and “tongue cancer”? It’s not like they didn’t know that first one. Or did people associate that kind of thing as good? Please tell us.
These Flavored Cigarettes
Oh, wait, never mind that last question. Apparently, we found an answer. According to Tipalet, if you blow some smoke in a woman’s face she’ll follow you anywhere. Now we know why we’ve never heard of Tipalet.
Not only is this disgusting for blowing smoke in someone’s face, but it’s also a terrible way to treat a lady. No one will follow you anywhere like that, unless, maybe, it’s cannabis. Smokers of America, do yourself a favor. Just don’t
Numbing Sunburn Spray
Back in the mid-20th century, suntanning was all the rage. Women used to cover themselves in tanning oil, lay out by the pool or the sea on a sunbed, and hold up a wide mirror to reflect even more solar rays onto their body and face. This was all in an era before sunscreen. While we couldn’t possibly imagine subjecting ourselves to that skin torture these days, we all can definitely relate to the feeling of a sunburn.
Thankfully, this ad shows us there is a solution. A sunburned woman lightly moves her top aside to allow a man to spray her with a soothing solution containing lidocaine, a common anesthetic. These days, we might opt to just put on sunscreen to begin with.
The Old Volkswagen Ad
You know that old stereotype that women can’t drive? Well, apparently the good old folks at Volkswagen knew it, too, and used it to advertise their car. “Women are gentle, but they hit things.”
Apparently, men are immune to automobile accidents, but their wives aren’t. Not to worry, though, because owning a Volkswagen apparently comes with free insurance. “You can conveniently replace anything she uses to stop the car.”
Use Amphetamines Today!
No, this is technically not an ad for methamphetamines, but it’s still equally disturbing. Before there were stricter regulations on the use of medications, there were addictive drugs prescribed for all sorts of things.
This one in particular is promoting the same thing that your child might be taking. ADHD drugs like Adderall contain this drug as a stimulant, helping you focus by raising blood pressure and heart rate. That explains why it’ll keep you fit and healthy: you’ll be bouncing off the walls!
This Coffee Ad
This one is a doozy. In an effort to tell people about their coffee samples so you can test for freshness, the Chase & Sanborn Coffee company decided a great idea would be to enable domestic abuse.
Look, she’s even smiling! “Woe be unto you” for not store-testing for fresher coffee. And apparently a whole load of spanks, too. This whole ad is just really uncomfortable as it reveals the assumption that men would do this to their wives if they did anything wrong at all.
Didn’t Burn The Beer
Having wife issues? Ever wish she’d stop burning dinner? Not, to worry, you’ve still got good ‘ol Schlitz beer! Because she could never burn the beer.
Whenever you’re feeling sad, whenever your man is mad, just grab him a fresh one out of the fridge. He’ll cheer up right away! Schlitz beer. It’s the Schlitz!
What Girl Doesn’t?
No, this is not a joke. Go ahead, look it up; they have a whole website. There’s not really a whole lot that has to be said about this hot dog advertisement, other than it was a genius way to sell their food.
Starting in 1849 at a Sierra Nevada foothills trading post, Boner Billy’s quickly became famous for…well, obviously their name. Thus, when it became common to call an erection as such, this company was quick to make all manner of ads and innuendoes. Besides, who doesn’t like a Big Boner?