There’s a whole lotta advertisement out there, but none are better than the vintage ones. And we mean that in a most sarcastic way. These highly entertaining, yet profoundly uncomfortable ads depict an era of times past. An age that many wish to revisit, but forget the incredible amount of sexist, racist, and homophobic basically everything. But a look back can be very educational as well as mildly funny, though you might just be laughing at the awkwardness of it all. So, if you’re ready, let’s get on with the vintage gold.
Love’s Baby Soft
Though innocent in appearance, when you read the words you realize just how creepy this ad is. Although it’s an advertisement for body mist, anything that puts a child and the word sexy is a nono.
As adorable as the girl in this ad is, we can’t help but feel majorly uncomfortable. That being said, this ad might be one of the most appealing if it just said body mist. We can just feel the softness of that teddy bear, and wish we could smell it ourselves.
Keep Your Face On Longer
This one’s a bit more innocent, as it’s really just advertising a spray that helps your makeup stay. The thing about this one, however, is its choice use of words. It’s just a tad below body positivity standards.
While some might still say “I need to go put my face on”, it’s a bit problematic to imply that using makeup is someone’s face. It might be your choice to say something like that, but companies try to avoid implying you only look good in makeup.
She Was A “Perfect Wife”…
What defines a “perfect wife” these days? Is it her cooking skills, her beauty, or is it her willingness to submit to her man? Fortunately, that’s not the way we try to think about it these days. At least, most of us don’t.
Most might be able to give you an answer to that question, but the answers you’ll receive are on more of a “what do you look for in a partner” type of way. Objectifying women and saying “the perfect wife” is not okay. Rather, try to look for what makes them the perfect friend.
Suppose You Switch Jobs With Your Husband
We’d all be in a world of hurt, that’s for sure. Not a lot of people share the same skillset as their partners, but that’s beside the point. Can you guess what this ad is for? It’s for a telephone, but you wouldn’t know that until the last sentence.
What is up with vintage ads and writing essays anyways? The entirety of this advertisement has no point other than to downplay the importance of a women (and to tell her she needs a new toy to talk to a friend while doing kitchen work).
Men Are Better Than Women!
What simple times we used to live in. As if any man could one-handedly hold an adult woman by a string. This ad is all about putting women in their place like the last one. And the next one. And probably the next…
Oh, no, it’s actually about hiking sweaters. Almost missed that in the sea of text that is the 1960s. Not only are they fashionable, but they’re also not a “drag” like the wife is. And for only pennies, you can get one in brass (is it plated?), olive, white, or gray! And you don’t even need your wife to show it off. Cool beans!
Maternity…Corset?
Huh, this one is not about how a woman belongs in the kitchen and we’re actually shocked. It is, however about making yourself look skinny… while pregnant. Yes, as ironic as that sounds, this truly is a maternity corset.
Claiming to give you “better babies” by providing perfect abdominal support. And you won’t look like you’re with child, the only thing a woman was needed for back then. How perfect!
A Woman’s “Extra” Feelings
Have you ever been a person? You know, just…alive? Oh, and also a woman? Well, then we’ve got the perfect product for you! Getting excited and a bit hot and sweaty is no good, so get your secret deodorant today!
Coming in four different types for all your “extra feeling” needs, this product is guaranteed to whisk away that smell you get from, well… everyday activity! ‘Cause we all know women have extra feelings that men don’t. Get yours today!
You Mean WOMEN Can, Too??
Okay, can we all stop and appreciate the masterpiece that is this woman’s expression? Have you ever see anyone do that? Well if you saw these brand new Alcoa Aluminum HyTop aluminum caps, you’d be making that face, too Truly meme-worthy.
Honestly, though, bless these types of caps. Half of us here need help opening bottles, and we’re not all women. And those women among us that can open bottles without help can probably beat us in many strength competitions. Like, have you ever tried to open a can of sauce? Truly impossible.
This Soap Help You Keep Your Man
Look, hygiene is obviously important and no matter who it is, if you stop taking care of yourself you’ll probably drive your partner away. That being said, the man that decided it’s a woman’s job to keep her man by keeping clean was a fool.
It goes without saying, though, that things like this are what enabled men to be so selfish. And women would buy these products for that reason. And while we definitely recommend cleaning yourself often, don’t ever think a little stank will be a good enough reason to break it off.
Witness The Power
Um, what do we say about this one… It’s certainly… a change of pace from the others. We’re assuming this is from before hundreds of thousands of people were “split to smithereens” by the atomic bombs.
While this must have been a cool demonstration of science before the devastation imposed on Japan by the United States military and Harry S. Truman, there’s no doubt that this ad would be tasteless today. There’s also no doubt that atoms don’t “split to smithereens”, but that’s another argument altogether.
WIVES.
Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. If only that’s where this advert stopped. Unfortunately, while the main point was to help you get the right gift for your partner, this one took it a step too far.
In the first place, the gifts are just a collection of kitchen items further cementing the woman’s place in the kitchen. The more concerning bit is the part where it disregards the way a woman feels and reassures her that she’ll get what she wants if she just stops whining.
Make Me A Sandwich
While some girls might still be taught about how a boy is going to chase after them, it’s certainly not something they’re told by their favorite bread company. Especially not with “make me a sandwich” undertones.
We’ve heard Wonder Bread is good (if you like white bread), but we never knew its slogan used to be “Helps catch boys…!” If only it wasn’t so sexist, this might actually be the perfect way to a boy’s heart. Or a girl’s. Everyone likes food, so it’s truly just a shame they went in this direction.
The Swim Cap (And Magic Makeup)
Ah, yes, the importance of that perfectly quaffed up-do. Who can resist a woman who can get out of a pool just as attractive as she was when she went in. Do they also make wet caps for makeup? Because there’s no way that woman’s makeup stays as perfect as that.
You know what, forget how terrible it is that this ad is placing importance on the way you look after having your hair and makeup done, this ad would be banned just on the basis that no one should be wearing those silly pineapple/shrimp-with-scales looking thing on their head.